Two months ago I decided to finally, and definitively, stop using the pill. I have had a turbulent relationship with the pill ever since I was first put on it when I was around 16. Having been on it for 5 years, I felt nearly dependent on it. Despite the fact that by the age of 21, I was certain that the pill and I were not compatible. However, I had taken it every day for five years. Taking the pill had been as mundane a task as brushing my teeth. Moreover, I had first decided to go on the contraceptive pill at such a young age because my periods were extremely heavy and painful. I am pretty certain my tolerance for pain is higher than most peoples, yet the worst pain I have ever felt in my 21 years would most certainly be my period pain. There were times when I would be physically sick, or pass out from the pain. For this reason, I was extremely hesitant to come off the pill and take my chances with a natural period. I was also at an age where many of my friends had begun taking the pill, and as a teenager, it nearly felt like a right of passage. A sign of growing up. It seemed at the time that there was no real choice to make, as all of my friends at planned to go on the contraceptive pill at some point.

The first pill I was put on by my doctor was Microlite. This was a combined pill, and was recommended for women who wanted to take the pill for period pain, as opposed to skin issues. I was on this until I was 20. My memory of this time after starting the pill is pretty hazy. I remember not feeling any problems. I was 16, so, naturally, I was moody and scarpy. However, within a few months my mood got really low. But my low mood was not my biggest issue. I had become extremely irritable. So irritable, that the slightest, most insignificant thing would fill me with rage, and I would lash out a lot of the time (especially at my poor family). I remember well that from the ages of 16 to 20, I was very short tempered, and I would often get upset with myself at how frustrating it was being so irritated and angry all the time with no real reason to be. I knew even then that my irritability and frustration was irrational, and yet I felt that I had no power over my emotions and my reactions. It was as if my body wasn’t mine anymore.

It was also during this time that I began having extremely itchy legs. From knee to ankle, my legs would flare up nearly every day with intense itching and the whole surface of my lower legs would be covered in hive-like bumps. I’m not entirely certain when this issue manifested itself, but certainly not long after I began taking the pill. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who do not go to doctors when I should. I am used to crossing my fingers and trusting that my body will take care of any issues by itself. A lot of the time, this works. Therefore, I let this issue go on for nearly four years. Before I’m judged too harshly, it was years before I made the link between these rashes and my pill. This is not a common symptom of the pill and seemed so unrelated that I immediately began looking elsewhere for the cause. I made many changes to my diet, cutting out certain alcohols, carby food, and nothing seemed to make it better. It was only when I had exhausted my search for what changes I could have possibly made in my life to suddenly bring on this bizarre allergic reaction that I suspected the pill. By the time I was 20, I decided to stop taking the microlite pill and give my body a break. This was mainly for the sake of my mental health. During the five months I stopped taking the pill, my mood significantly improved. After a month or so of being pill-free, I noticed that my leg rash was totally gone without a trace, despite my fears that the years of scratching and itching to the point where my legs bleed would leave me scarred forever. I also didn’t get any periods during these pill-free months. After this realisation, I was beyond certain that I would never go on the microlite pill again. The next time I went to the doctor, I explained my concerns about my mood and the leg rash. While the doctor seemed sceptical about the pill being the cause for rash on my legs, and wasn’t interested in seeing any pictures I had taken of my rash, I was put on the Ovreena, a different combination of hormones.

I was on this pill for 3 months. Soon after I re-assumed taking the pill, all my previous symptoms reappeared. I began feeling irritable and temperamental, and most worryingly, my leg rash resumed. I wasted little time in going back to the doctor to ask for a different pill. The doctor explained to me all the alternative methods of contraception, which I had already been aware of. I was not willing to switch from oral contraception as the pill seemed the least invasive. It was relatively cheap (and I was on a student budget). I had also heard plenty of ‘horror-stories’ from my friends who had bad reactions to alternatives such as the coil or the bar. I was prescribed the Elvina pill. Out of all the pills I had been on, I reacted the worst to this one. My leg rash got significantly worse, and although I did my best to give the new pill a chance, as advised, I lasted a mere two weeks on the Elvina before I decided I could take no more. This was extremely frustrating, as I did note that my mood-swings lessened whilst on this new pill. I did some more research on the pill and finally found what I believed to be the same symptom of my leg rashes in the list of extremely uncommon side-effects, which affected around 1 in 10,000 people who took the pill.  Once again, I decided to give my body a break. Again, during the four months that I was not on the pill, I had no periods. By the time I was set to leave for the Netherlands on my Erasmus at 21, I was keen to sort out the issue with my pill with my usual doctors before I left. After explaining my previous issues with the pill, my doctor determined that I was allergic to oestrogen. I was put on Azelia, a progesterone only pill. I was on this pill for six months. Thankfully, my leg rash did not return. However, despite my hopes that my issues with the pill were finally at an end, I wasn’t so lucky. During the time I was on this pill I was living in the Netherlands. I rode my bike outside every day, ate very clean, and didn’t drink excessively (often). However, my skin was the worst it had been in my life. I had cystic, acne-like spots all along my cheeks and jawline. I had never had bad skin, not even as a teenager. However, I was so eager to finally have a pill that worked for me that I was slow to blame this new pill. I chalked it down to stress over exams, or to leaning my face on my hands in lectures. However, it wasn’t long before I was certain that, yet again, the pill did not agree with me. Moreover, my mental health on this new pill wasn’t exactly squeaky clean.

When I returned home from the Netherlands, I made a few positive changes in my life to help with my mental health and get myself back on track. I focused on a health diet, taking long walks in the countryside, and clearing my mind to help my mood. It was in the midst of all these changes that I realised there was little point in me looking externally to help my mood when a huge part of the problem was happening internally. I was taking these little pills full of hormones that my mind and body clearly didn’t react well to. I was even allergic to certain hormones. It suddenly seemed ridiculous to me that I would still continue to take these pills because I felt like there was no other option. To poison myself every day for the past five years with hormones and learn to live around low moods and allergic reactions as if I didn’t deserve better. I felt sad that I had been abusing my body this way. But there was another option. I could take back control of my body by take care of my body. As soon as I stopped taking the pill I felt so much freer. My skin cleared up remarkably quickly. Two months on, I feel like my old self. The old self I had been at 16, and had seen glimpses of in those periods where I had stopped taking the pill. Only this time, I have no plans to go back on the pill ever again. I have tried and tested several pills, and payed attention to how my body reacts to hormones. I can safely say that no matter how bad my period pain is, it is not worth the rashes, breakouts and emotional breakdowns that come with the contraceptive pill. Coming off the pill is the greatest act of self-love I have ever afforded myself, and I wish I had made this decision much sooner.